Native Americans Seek Changes to Immigration Bill — to Deport Mayflower Descendants

By Don Davis

Flexing their new-found political muscle, Native Americans — the only "true" Americans — have now weighed in on the McCain-Kennedy immigration bill, lobbying Congress to provide for the immediate deportation of all Mayflower descendants.

Speaking for the National Council of American Indians, Chief "Running Tab at Foxwoods" asserted that the Mayflower settlers "not only entered this country illegally, without visas or work permits, but behaved very badly –spreading disease, raping our women, despoiling the land, and worst of all, stealing our very identity for their sports teams."

While most tribes oppose any type of amnesty, some have supported a limited trail to citizenship, requiring the Mayflower descendants to pay a fine consisting of their scalps, and the return of the Great Plains.

Other tribes have proposed a "touchback provision," requiring the illegal squatters to return to the 17th Century, for four centuries, before applying to live here legally in the present.

Some Native Americans would also grant favorable treatment to those who have high-tech skills, such as converting corn to ethanol.

This proposal has predictably drawn a huge outcry from the WASPS, who claim that they're merely doing the jobs that Native Americans refuse to do, such as running investment banks and hedge funds.

In addition, although genealogy records reflect that his ancestors arrived not on Plymouth Rock but on Ellis Island, the Indian tribes have also insisted on the unconditional and immediate deportation of Jack Abramoff.