Let's tap into the casino payload

Tuesday, October 28, 2003
By Robert Mitchell

I have a question: Is it pure coincidence that for the last few years whenever assemblages of Native Americans suddenly discover that they're a tribe, often of which no one including themselves had ever heard until the feds dangled the words "gaming profits" in front of them, they also suddenly discover that the sacred native ancestral lands they just realized they had are remarkably handy to a freeway exit?

OK, two questions: Why is it always politically correct to say "Native Americans" in order to rectify Christopher Columbus' insulting misnomer, except when using the term "Indian gaming"? If the People-Who-Have-Always-Been-Here find the admittedly erroneous label "Indian" offensive, why are they seemingly so cool with it when it's linked to the noble enterprise of gambling? Sorry -- that appears to be three questions.

Now come on, folks, let's start connecting the dots here. Governor Ahnuld is right when he says there has to be a way for California to get a piece of this action. I mean, something's not right here. The feds come along with this bright idea that the way for our indigenous-population-by-whatever-name to rise out of poverty is to let them become the officially-sanctioned gambling barons of America, fleecing the rest of us out of our cash the way we used to fleece them out of their land. OK, fair is fair; if we're feeble enough to want to throw away our money in some glitzy casino instead of flushing it down the commode in the comfort of our own homes, why not?

But let's say the plan was less than perfect. Now we have these garish vacuum cleaners for your savings account sprouting up everywhere like Starbucks on steroids, thanks to the government's generous interpretation of the sovereignty of tribal lands, which means they get out of complying with all manner of state-level planning, zoning, environmental, and most of all, tax laws. No wonder they have enough extra cash to throw millions at a time in the general direction of any candidate who will leave them alone. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure that this degree of aboriginal self-sufficiency is what Congress had in mind; perhaps creating a pool of big-money campaign contributors was just a coincidental benefit. It's sometimes hard to tell whether the folks in Washington are fully conscious or are just winging it.

But to the point: We need money desperately, and the ever-proliferating tribes are raking it in hand over fist. Now, despite Ahnuld's brave words during the campaign, we may have considerable trouble getting our hands on the profits given the feds' protective attitude. So if we can't steal it from them, why not steal it from their customers? Let's compete; let's go into the government gambling business! We already have a state lottery that for years now has been enabling the Legislature to chisel the public schools, so we're well past that old moral barrier.

So let's just start building casinos! For crying out loud, they're obvious money machines! Just look east; if it weren't for gambling, once the Comstock Lode ran out Nevada would have gone back to being a territory. And wouldn't you like to know as you watch your kids' college fund slowly evaporate at the temporarily-unlucky roulette wheel that you're helping bail California out of it's crushing budget deficit? You can't get that kind of warm fuzzy feeling going broke at an Indian casino, so let's have a little state patriotism here: write, phone, e-mail or just go visit our chief executive action figure and tell him we need a crash program to construct and operate a string of public gambling palaces. And tell him to hurry, before all the good freeway exits are taken.