Williams: Here's a solution for all our mascot names

So long, Atlanta Braves. Farewell, Cleveland Indians. Bye-bye, FSU Seminoles. The U.S. Commission on Civil Rights voted 4-2 in favor of teams dropping the use of Indian images and team names. Remember, the taxpayers actually pay juicy salaries to these commissioners to dream up these asinine decisions. This is a far-ranging decision. It cannot stop with just the Indians but can apply to most any team name, whether it be animals, birds, snakes or white people. Everybody is offended by something these days. Cat lovers may not like the Georgia Bulldog mascot. There are entire classes of people who have nothing else to do but be perturbed all the time about some perceived insult. Of course the ding-dong press is always there with plenty of ink.

For some reason the Indians (see also Native Americans) are incensed about football and baseball teams with Indian names and mascots. They feel it is insulting and demeaning. Surely these are reservation Indians and not related to the once-famous warriors. All these years I was led to believe it was an honor to have a team named for Indians. The American Indian represented the pure American who was noble and brave while the white-eyes were greedy, money-hungry, land grabbers. The Atlanta Lawyers just doesn't sound valorous.

My hero Indians were Crazy Horse and Chief Joseph. Crazy House was one of America's most successful generals fighting and winning a half-dozen major battles against the U.S. Army. With no military training and often whining braves, he soundly defeated the best officers the army could field. In about a half-hour, Crazy Horse destroyed to the last man Custer and six troops of the 7th Cavalry on the banks of the Little Big Horn. Remember Lt. Col. Custer's last words: "Where the hell did all those @#? Native Americans come from?"

Crazy Horse did have the advantage of going against the most arrogant and overconfident West Pointer the army ever produced.

A warrior of Crazy Horse's stature should have died in battle, but he met the Great Spirit after being bayoneted in the back by a buck private taking him to the guardhouse after his surrender. Gun owners take note: that's what happens when you surrender your rifle.

Crazy Horse was kind of a showoff in Indian standards and was not well liked by his fellow braves. On the other hand, Chief Joseph was Crazy Horse's opposite, being a very quiet and reserved chief of a seldom warlike tribe. When the cavalry came to herd his tribe to the reservation one thing led to another and the normally peaceful tribe shot the troopers to pieces and chased them for two days.

Over the next months Chief Joseph with never more than 60 armed warriors dragging their starving women and children in tow fought and won a half-dozen major engagements with far superior army troopers.

"I will fight no more forever," were the chief's words when he finally surrendered his ragtag force. Chief Joseph as far as I know is the only Indian to have a warship named in his honor. Guess the ship's name will have to change now.

In reality, the Indians were no better or worse than the whites. We have our Pattons and then on the opposite end we have our Clintons. The Indians also had their great heroes and lowly cowards. While the whites may have stolen the Indians lands, the Indians likewise took the same lands from weaker tribes. However, most tribes preferred the more tangible stealing women and ponies from their enemies. Indians were no more at harmony with nature than the polluting whites.

After Indian villages became so fouled they would simply move across the river and start all over again. DeSoto's lieutenants wrote they could smell the huge villages in Georgia for two days before they arrived. In order to kill a few buffalo for food and skins the Indians would stampede hundreds over a cliff.

So, what are we going to name all our teams. I would be honored to have a team named after me, but the Georgia Budges just doesn't have it. The LA Crackheads probably wouldn't be acceptable. The Washington Swindlers, the New York Wise Guys and the Chicago Gangsters probably would be unacceptable.

Numbers are the answer. No one is offended by numbers. Numbers are neutral. My plan is to use a numbering system. The Atlanta Braves would the National 22'ers. The Georgia Bulldogs would be the SEC 4s. The Yellow Jackets then would be the Atlantic 13s. The numbers 10 and 69 would be deleted.

I've solved the problem. Bush should appoint me to the Civil Rights Commission with the modest $125,000 salary.

Go, you hairy SEC Fours...

Budge Williams is a native Athenian, a Vietnam War veteran and an Athens businessman. Write him at 830 Fowler Mill Road, Bogart, GA 30622.